Revisiting my memories of my first year of Motherhood - Part I
First Month
When we brought my baby home from the hospital...there were so many emotions floating across me about the child that I held in a small bed within my folded arms closer to my chest. Mom refused to allow me to carry her as I had just come back home after a surgery and she did not want me to carry the child as well. But when we reached the doorstep, she had to perform the Aarthi (traditional welcome) and I had to hold the child. That moment when I held her close to my heart, I had a wave hitting my senses...I was no longer just an individual. I was being welcomed as a Mother.
On the 11th day, we finalised her name. From Numerology to astrology to Indology, I had consulted everything. My family was particular of naming her "Lakshmi" (Wealth)..I was particular of naming her "Anannya" (Focussed)...then after all consultations it was finalised as "Anannya Sriram". I wanted her father's name to be registered as her given name. (Even if she was married, nobody could force her to change her real legacy + let her father follow her at least in her name even if he can't do it physically due to his professional commitments).
The entire few days, I had to adjust to the night and day shift mix. Couldn't even get up on my own as the surgical sutures hurt me real bad. Even to turn from one side to the other while in a sleeping posture, I had to call out for help. Every day, my in laws used to visit me. My husband could spare 10 mins every day no matter how late he was from office to visit his child (well I should also accept that I nagged him if he even said he might not come..what else could I do, I needed to see him at least :-( ).
Next was handling an ever screaming child. Within 33 seconds her cry would convert to scream (I actually recorded it to check how quickly she starts yelling). She was quiet clear in her demands. A cry for "Ingaaaaa" meant "I am hungry"...a cry of "uvvaaaa" meant "You need to change my nappy".
Mom was her real nanny for 6 weeks. I felt so sad for my mother. "A mother with a female child has endless responsibilities. I better get used to that idea". Almost every weekend I had to take Anannya to the hospital. Feeding Anannya in the hospital environment was an uncomfortable episode too. None of my old dresses, blouse fit me. I had to get myself some new dresses. I was banned from leaving my bedroom. I couldn't answer the door also.That phase was totally like "What's going on! Everything has turned topsy turvy"
Second Month
I had severe trouble lactating. I was forced to mix alternative foods with my own milk. Anannya was not responding to my feed and had trouble gaining back her birth weight. I had terrible time in extracting my milk and mixing another medicinal powder to help her retain fat in her body. It was really painful expressing breast milk. Balancing sleepless nights, official commitments, screaming child, surgical aftermath and this pain was really taking a toll on me. Things were too mechanical. Sterilizing Anannya's bottles, cleaning her nappies. At one point of time I used to take bath at odd hours. Food pattern changed. Due to alternate food, Anannya had constipation. So the only remedy was to give her raisin extracts.
Everybody's focus was only on the child. Mom literally pumped so much of milk and other food that would increase my lactation for her. But nothing was actually helping. Certain days I had so much of milk that I couldn't even sit. And certain days no matter what I ate and how much I drank, I would be dry. The child was hungry. So much of frustration was piled up. I took so much of garlic that at one point of time, I was consuming a half a kilo of garlic a day!! Any form, Any time, Garlic was a must. Oh boy!! I kept saying "For my child..for my child" every time I had to force something down my throat. I was putting on weight like crazy. I was worried about the craziest things. Was she able to see properly. Was she able to hear properly. I did read so much about so many things.
I wished there was somebody to put hands around my shoulders and allowed me to rest my head against them. But no! Everybody was interested in carrying the child and petting her. Post partum depression hit me high. But I had absolutely no help from anybody. I had only my laptop to connect me to the outside world. No visitor came to see me. They all came for Anannya. The only way I could get out of my depression was to engross in work and to keep reading more about motherhood and raising a baby and related stuff on the net.
One day I was so engrossed in my research for her that I did not realise that she was yelling badly. She was really mad at me. She used her feet to push her self backwards and she managed to cross a whole room by pushing backwards. Fortunately, I had put her down on a floor carpet. So she had not injured herself. For a week, she actually toppled easily. Being bony, she found it easy. But one day she hurt her nose as she toppled. That day onwards she stopped toppling.
At the end of 45 days, I was ceremoniously brought to my in laws house. A small cradle function was held. Almost every single person to attend made a comment that the child was absolutely bony and unhealthy. One person even went to the extent of saying, "you are gaining weight while its your child that should be gaining weight. Are you feeding her or not!" . I wish people were not so rude. But I consoled myself saying "They did not have a better way of expressing their concern for Anannya".
Third Month
By now Anannya was able to recognize me. She had started smiling at me. Her fingers could hold my little finger. I was also better off with my timings. Mom had to resume her official duty and I was able to manage with Anannya the whole day. I was able to put her to sleep, change her nappy, play with her. She was also used to being alone with me. By this time, we had Indian festivals lined up. Janmashtami came. We also had navrathri coming up. The creative part of me took over and I was able to get back my old enthusiasm. I cajoled mom to get me some items to dress up Anannya as "Krishni". She looked real cute. I had a 'mukut' (crown) with a peacock feather. I got her a silk dhothi. Since she wasn't able to move on her own, I found it easy with her.
By this time, I had begged daddy to take me out on long drives. I wasn't used to being holed up inside one room for over 75 days. The only time that I got to see the outside world was when I had to take Anannya for check up. The other option was to go from my maternal home to my inlaws place.
Then we had Aadi Velli. I took mom's help to design some Skirt and blouse for Anannya. My tailor was kind enough to accommodate my request. She said she had never stitched such a small attire in her career and she would try. Bless her! She did a fantastic job. Once she stitched them, I would do the embroidery or bead work on it. I actually had 9 different skirts and blouses made for Anannya. I was all geared up for Navrathri too.
Fourth Month
My husband was particular that I should return back to my inlaws house. He wanted Anannya to get used to being with the family. He was practical. He said "You want to return back to your job. You better get her used to being with so many people". My office was kind enough to allow me to work from home for an extended period of 3 months.
Once I came here, thing were even more tough. But I started following some routines. Most of the time, Anannya was in the hall with the entire family. From Morning to Evening she was with everybody. For feed, sleep alone I used to bring her to my room. Everybody pitched in. I used to do my office work in the night, and when she was sleeping. This day and night work did take a toll on my health. But I used to keep saying "Even this would pass away".
Navrathri celebrations were super. Every day I dressed her up in a different costume. Seetha, Lakshmi, Fisher woman, Lakshmi, Saraswathi, Durga, Dandiya dancer, Radha, Tribal girl...each day was a new avatar for Anannya. I also dressed up her cousin Bhargavaa... he was a kid too. I din't want him to feel left out.
All of a sudden Anannya developed Diaper Rash. Anything that happens to the baby, the only person to be blamed is the mother. That's the universal rule. Until then Anannya was on 100% diapers. From then on it was 100% cloth nappy. Changing-washing-drying was perennial.
I really enjoyed giving Anannya a bath. I used to massage her well. Singing Rhymes, Songs while bathing her was really relaxing for me. Sometimes, my husband used to help me. After a while he learnt how to do it himself :-). Seeing him giving her a bath by putting her on his feet and massaging her was a treat to watch. But it was a luxury too. He could do it only on the days that he was around. He was traveling heavily by then. Tax Audit period!!
One other thing that I should complement him is the fact that whenever the baby cried, he would be the first person to react. To get up, pick her up and try to pacify her. He would make her sleep without disturbing me. He never complained about it even once. That part he looks after even now.
Fifth Month
My Wedding Anniversary and Diwali was approaching. So I went for a quick shopping. I got some cute attires for her. By now, we were worried that Anannya was not toppling on her own. My mother-in-law suggested that we should topple her so that she gets the idea. But the moment we put her on her tummy, immediately the boat will capsize. Trying to save her from injuring herself was a task too.
By now, we were asked to give her semi solids. We experimented with Ragi. But that did not suit her. Next option was rice and wheat. Anannya was quite comfortable with whatever I gave her. I never had to force-feed her. Even then I was subject to criticism about my holding posture this and that. But I was least bothered. She couldn't tolerate hunger. After every morsel, she used to make sounds as though urging me saying "Mom..make it faster I am hungry". Rice Alone, Rice with Wheat..Then Rice, Wheat and Multi grains...we kept experimenting to get her used to other food.
The preparatory work for her food also was interesting. The process used to differ for each type of grain. Rice was Clean-Wash-Sun dry- Powder. Wheat was Clean, Soak, Blend in grinder, Extract milk, sun dry the milk. Similarly with Multi Grains.
By this time, Anannya became choosy with her doctors. She responded well to one and not so well to others. So we had to freeze one. The doctor too was very gentle and extremely talented in handling Anannya. She also became a little naughty. Once she yelled at the speaker of the stethoscope. The kind doctor just laughed and warned me "There is more to come". Now when I think about it, I feel he was a kind of a soothsayer too ;-)
Sixty Month
By this time, I was really worried about Anannya not toppling herself. She used to rock herself on the bouncer and try to read books and paper. She used to make sounds. Her best friends were her maternal and paternal grand fathers. She loved playing with them. My co-sister used to show her flash cards and try to get her used to playing with toys. But she wasn't so interested. She was rather interested in holding people's hands, playing with their jewellery. She used to watch people's palm so closely that my husband used to joke that she might have been a palmist in one of her previous births.
My grandmother was seriously ill and wanted to see her great grand child. I managed to take Anannya to Chennai and Anannya bonded with her Great Grand Mom just like that. May be the magic of that bonding really helped my grandmother to recover and she was able sustain better then on.
But that trip also took a toll on Anannya's health. She caught some cold and a bad ear infection. We were not sure about the real problem. We thought it was just cold. The ear infection part was not evident to us. The child was intelligent enough to indicate she has a ear infection by touching her ear once and crying. I picked up the cue and told the doctor. Only then we were able to detect the problem and treat her. On that day, when Anannya was detected with ear infection, I was soooo upset about my child being sick. To top it, the whole household held me culprit. "You ought to know what is safe for the child and what is not? Did you have to expose her to changing climates and the tiresome travel?" (Oh boy! Come to think of it, the whole family was together in their concern for the child). I did not expect anybody to say "She is not to be blamed". But the fact also remains that nobody said "Don't increase her pain. She is already upset about her sick child. There is no point in you aggravating her misery". Even now when I think about it, I feel so bad. I held my child close to my heart the whole night, apologizing to her.
I was also worried about leaving Anannya at home while I had to resume office. My in laws were very supportive about it. Not just my Mother-in-law and Father-in-law, but My Brother-in-law and Co sister too.
One thing I had clearly made up my mind was, no matter what, Family first. If there were situations that I had to prioritize family over career, I wouldn't mind it. I wanted to continue my job, so that I could build enough reserves to support Anannya's education and career in future. Its no longer my Career. It is Anannya's future now onwards.
When we brought my baby home from the hospital...there were so many emotions floating across me about the child that I held in a small bed within my folded arms closer to my chest. Mom refused to allow me to carry her as I had just come back home after a surgery and she did not want me to carry the child as well. But when we reached the doorstep, she had to perform the Aarthi (traditional welcome) and I had to hold the child. That moment when I held her close to my heart, I had a wave hitting my senses...I was no longer just an individual. I was being welcomed as a Mother.
On the 11th day, we finalised her name. From Numerology to astrology to Indology, I had consulted everything. My family was particular of naming her "Lakshmi" (Wealth)..I was particular of naming her "Anannya" (Focussed)...then after all consultations it was finalised as "Anannya Sriram". I wanted her father's name to be registered as her given name. (Even if she was married, nobody could force her to change her real legacy + let her father follow her at least in her name even if he can't do it physically due to his professional commitments).
The entire few days, I had to adjust to the night and day shift mix. Couldn't even get up on my own as the surgical sutures hurt me real bad. Even to turn from one side to the other while in a sleeping posture, I had to call out for help. Every day, my in laws used to visit me. My husband could spare 10 mins every day no matter how late he was from office to visit his child (well I should also accept that I nagged him if he even said he might not come..what else could I do, I needed to see him at least :-( ).
Next was handling an ever screaming child. Within 33 seconds her cry would convert to scream (I actually recorded it to check how quickly she starts yelling). She was quiet clear in her demands. A cry for "Ingaaaaa" meant "I am hungry"...a cry of "uvvaaaa" meant "You need to change my nappy".
Mom was her real nanny for 6 weeks. I felt so sad for my mother. "A mother with a female child has endless responsibilities. I better get used to that idea". Almost every weekend I had to take Anannya to the hospital. Feeding Anannya in the hospital environment was an uncomfortable episode too. None of my old dresses, blouse fit me. I had to get myself some new dresses. I was banned from leaving my bedroom. I couldn't answer the door also.That phase was totally like "What's going on! Everything has turned topsy turvy"
Second Month
I had severe trouble lactating. I was forced to mix alternative foods with my own milk. Anannya was not responding to my feed and had trouble gaining back her birth weight. I had terrible time in extracting my milk and mixing another medicinal powder to help her retain fat in her body. It was really painful expressing breast milk. Balancing sleepless nights, official commitments, screaming child, surgical aftermath and this pain was really taking a toll on me. Things were too mechanical. Sterilizing Anannya's bottles, cleaning her nappies. At one point of time I used to take bath at odd hours. Food pattern changed. Due to alternate food, Anannya had constipation. So the only remedy was to give her raisin extracts.
Everybody's focus was only on the child. Mom literally pumped so much of milk and other food that would increase my lactation for her. But nothing was actually helping. Certain days I had so much of milk that I couldn't even sit. And certain days no matter what I ate and how much I drank, I would be dry. The child was hungry. So much of frustration was piled up. I took so much of garlic that at one point of time, I was consuming a half a kilo of garlic a day!! Any form, Any time, Garlic was a must. Oh boy!! I kept saying "For my child..for my child" every time I had to force something down my throat. I was putting on weight like crazy. I was worried about the craziest things. Was she able to see properly. Was she able to hear properly. I did read so much about so many things.
I wished there was somebody to put hands around my shoulders and allowed me to rest my head against them. But no! Everybody was interested in carrying the child and petting her. Post partum depression hit me high. But I had absolutely no help from anybody. I had only my laptop to connect me to the outside world. No visitor came to see me. They all came for Anannya. The only way I could get out of my depression was to engross in work and to keep reading more about motherhood and raising a baby and related stuff on the net.
One day I was so engrossed in my research for her that I did not realise that she was yelling badly. She was really mad at me. She used her feet to push her self backwards and she managed to cross a whole room by pushing backwards. Fortunately, I had put her down on a floor carpet. So she had not injured herself. For a week, she actually toppled easily. Being bony, she found it easy. But one day she hurt her nose as she toppled. That day onwards she stopped toppling.
At the end of 45 days, I was ceremoniously brought to my in laws house. A small cradle function was held. Almost every single person to attend made a comment that the child was absolutely bony and unhealthy. One person even went to the extent of saying, "you are gaining weight while its your child that should be gaining weight. Are you feeding her or not!" . I wish people were not so rude. But I consoled myself saying "They did not have a better way of expressing their concern for Anannya".
Third Month
By now Anannya was able to recognize me. She had started smiling at me. Her fingers could hold my little finger. I was also better off with my timings. Mom had to resume her official duty and I was able to manage with Anannya the whole day. I was able to put her to sleep, change her nappy, play with her. She was also used to being alone with me. By this time, we had Indian festivals lined up. Janmashtami came. We also had navrathri coming up. The creative part of me took over and I was able to get back my old enthusiasm. I cajoled mom to get me some items to dress up Anannya as "Krishni". She looked real cute. I had a 'mukut' (crown) with a peacock feather. I got her a silk dhothi. Since she wasn't able to move on her own, I found it easy with her.
By this time, I had begged daddy to take me out on long drives. I wasn't used to being holed up inside one room for over 75 days. The only time that I got to see the outside world was when I had to take Anannya for check up. The other option was to go from my maternal home to my inlaws place.
Then we had Aadi Velli. I took mom's help to design some Skirt and blouse for Anannya. My tailor was kind enough to accommodate my request. She said she had never stitched such a small attire in her career and she would try. Bless her! She did a fantastic job. Once she stitched them, I would do the embroidery or bead work on it. I actually had 9 different skirts and blouses made for Anannya. I was all geared up for Navrathri too.
Fourth Month
My husband was particular that I should return back to my inlaws house. He wanted Anannya to get used to being with the family. He was practical. He said "You want to return back to your job. You better get her used to being with so many people". My office was kind enough to allow me to work from home for an extended period of 3 months.
Once I came here, thing were even more tough. But I started following some routines. Most of the time, Anannya was in the hall with the entire family. From Morning to Evening she was with everybody. For feed, sleep alone I used to bring her to my room. Everybody pitched in. I used to do my office work in the night, and when she was sleeping. This day and night work did take a toll on my health. But I used to keep saying "Even this would pass away".
Navrathri celebrations were super. Every day I dressed her up in a different costume. Seetha, Lakshmi, Fisher woman, Lakshmi, Saraswathi, Durga, Dandiya dancer, Radha, Tribal girl...each day was a new avatar for Anannya. I also dressed up her cousin Bhargavaa... he was a kid too. I din't want him to feel left out.
All of a sudden Anannya developed Diaper Rash. Anything that happens to the baby, the only person to be blamed is the mother. That's the universal rule. Until then Anannya was on 100% diapers. From then on it was 100% cloth nappy. Changing-washing-drying was perennial.
I really enjoyed giving Anannya a bath. I used to massage her well. Singing Rhymes, Songs while bathing her was really relaxing for me. Sometimes, my husband used to help me. After a while he learnt how to do it himself :-). Seeing him giving her a bath by putting her on his feet and massaging her was a treat to watch. But it was a luxury too. He could do it only on the days that he was around. He was traveling heavily by then. Tax Audit period!!
One other thing that I should complement him is the fact that whenever the baby cried, he would be the first person to react. To get up, pick her up and try to pacify her. He would make her sleep without disturbing me. He never complained about it even once. That part he looks after even now.
Fifth Month
My Wedding Anniversary and Diwali was approaching. So I went for a quick shopping. I got some cute attires for her. By now, we were worried that Anannya was not toppling on her own. My mother-in-law suggested that we should topple her so that she gets the idea. But the moment we put her on her tummy, immediately the boat will capsize. Trying to save her from injuring herself was a task too.
By now, we were asked to give her semi solids. We experimented with Ragi. But that did not suit her. Next option was rice and wheat. Anannya was quite comfortable with whatever I gave her. I never had to force-feed her. Even then I was subject to criticism about my holding posture this and that. But I was least bothered. She couldn't tolerate hunger. After every morsel, she used to make sounds as though urging me saying "Mom..make it faster I am hungry". Rice Alone, Rice with Wheat..Then Rice, Wheat and Multi grains...we kept experimenting to get her used to other food.
The preparatory work for her food also was interesting. The process used to differ for each type of grain. Rice was Clean-Wash-Sun dry- Powder. Wheat was Clean, Soak, Blend in grinder, Extract milk, sun dry the milk. Similarly with Multi Grains.
By this time, Anannya became choosy with her doctors. She responded well to one and not so well to others. So we had to freeze one. The doctor too was very gentle and extremely talented in handling Anannya. She also became a little naughty. Once she yelled at the speaker of the stethoscope. The kind doctor just laughed and warned me "There is more to come". Now when I think about it, I feel he was a kind of a soothsayer too ;-)
Sixty Month
By this time, I was really worried about Anannya not toppling herself. She used to rock herself on the bouncer and try to read books and paper. She used to make sounds. Her best friends were her maternal and paternal grand fathers. She loved playing with them. My co-sister used to show her flash cards and try to get her used to playing with toys. But she wasn't so interested. She was rather interested in holding people's hands, playing with their jewellery. She used to watch people's palm so closely that my husband used to joke that she might have been a palmist in one of her previous births.
My grandmother was seriously ill and wanted to see her great grand child. I managed to take Anannya to Chennai and Anannya bonded with her Great Grand Mom just like that. May be the magic of that bonding really helped my grandmother to recover and she was able sustain better then on.
But that trip also took a toll on Anannya's health. She caught some cold and a bad ear infection. We were not sure about the real problem. We thought it was just cold. The ear infection part was not evident to us. The child was intelligent enough to indicate she has a ear infection by touching her ear once and crying. I picked up the cue and told the doctor. Only then we were able to detect the problem and treat her. On that day, when Anannya was detected with ear infection, I was soooo upset about my child being sick. To top it, the whole household held me culprit. "You ought to know what is safe for the child and what is not? Did you have to expose her to changing climates and the tiresome travel?" (Oh boy! Come to think of it, the whole family was together in their concern for the child). I did not expect anybody to say "She is not to be blamed". But the fact also remains that nobody said "Don't increase her pain. She is already upset about her sick child. There is no point in you aggravating her misery". Even now when I think about it, I feel so bad. I held my child close to my heart the whole night, apologizing to her.
I was also worried about leaving Anannya at home while I had to resume office. My in laws were very supportive about it. Not just my Mother-in-law and Father-in-law, but My Brother-in-law and Co sister too.
One thing I had clearly made up my mind was, no matter what, Family first. If there were situations that I had to prioritize family over career, I wouldn't mind it. I wanted to continue my job, so that I could build enough reserves to support Anannya's education and career in future. Its no longer my Career. It is Anannya's future now onwards.
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